This article was written by Mayo Bayo
During my short stay in Nigeria, on my bucket list was to catch up with the latest movies at the cinema. The movie ‘Half Of The Yellow Sun‘ was the first I wanted to watch as I had already read the novel so I was keen to see the movie. I bought my ticket at the Film House Cinemas in Surulere. A movie was 1500 Naira, a quite reasonable price, comparing with the price in other parts of the world.
Watching movies at the cinema for Nigerians is still not a culture but a thing people see as some sort of luxury; just like how a lot of people come specially to take picture at ShopRite supermarket instead of shopping (that’s a gist for another day).
So you find a lot of disgusting behaviors around, well not all is peculiar to Nigerian cinemas though. I went to 3 different cinemas during my stay and each had these 10 categories of people:
• The Commentator
As Chiwetel Ejiofor, who played the role of Odenigbo was looking into the Olanna’s eye, a romantic scene was building up already… next thing was this loud guy in the middle row of the cinema hall shouting,
“Correct guy! I dey feel you joo!. Kiss am, you too dey form jare! You just dey dull”. At this moment I felt like punching this dude right on his balls. His loud outburst just kept interrupting my favorite scenes. To himself he was whispering, to me he was just another loud jerk. Like why now, this is not a football match we don’t need your commentary!
• Loud Chewer
Popcorn and movies go hand in hand, I can’t say the origin. It’s a tradition everywhere in the world but do you have to chew out loud like a Sokotogudali cattle. I have seen your popcorn, do I have to hear it too?
• The Leg Stretcher
I was still wondering where the smell was coming from, only to see some dude with his leg close to my nose killing it softly with his stinky socks. You have legs, the length of Zamfara’s sugar cane, why not just position them to your row and not stretch them towards my seat?
• He who laughs last …
Laughs best they say, but that was not the case for this guy that sat on the row before mine. 60secs after the scene this dude is still HAHA-ing! Ok that scene was funny, yes and we all laughed so can you now shut up so that we can hear what’s coming next?
• The Questioner
“Chairman please what did he just say that was funny?” I was like what the hell, did I pay to come narrate movies, or what are your satellite dish ears made for? Ok I didn’t say that, else I would have been writing this post from a hospital bed. You need to see the guy’s biceps.
• The Crying baby
I was smiling at the large screen and sipping my Pepsi … and all of a sudden this baby starts bawling its lungs out, I cringed at the noise. Why do some mothers bring their baby to the cinema? Why not just sit in your house and enjoy a DVD movie with your family? Stop torturing the poor kid with high Dolby surround sound from those gigantic speakers.
• Armrest Mafia
You remember the questioner I told you about at the earlier? Yes the one with biceps the size of two big gwari yam tubers tied together. His biceps were spread all over the arm rest like a mat. I couldn’t even find space to put my broom stick looking arms.
• The Caller
“Wale how far, I dey Ozone, I dey watch movie I go call you later”. Despite the switch off your phone during movie warning, this dude kept picking calls in the middle of the movie. When will some Nigerians learn to turn their phone off during a movie or put it on vibration?
• The chatty couple
They were talking like they were in their bed room. And for whatever reason this Romeo and Juliet sat right next to me as if the theatre was running out of seats – save the chat for after the movie.
• Selfie Addict
At the cinema at Ikeja Mall, I witnessed a girl take at least 5 pictures of herself at a go making the annoying duck face. I was already seething with anger as the guy next to me came with his family and yep, you guessed right, they started their picture sessions too!
Are you guilty of doing any of the above in the cinema? What other annoying things do people do inside a cinema?